I said the other day to someone that I feel as if I have been on the back of the bus to hell for eight long years doing everything, I could do to slow it down. Suddenly, it stopped, the door opened, and I was kicked out onto the corner of a city I have never been to before. The logical feeling would seem to be of relief, but it is not, but rather of confusion.
While either a failure or the result of happenstance, confusion is a failure. I say that in the sense that in staying present while working the threads of chance out ahead of you something unforeseen occurred that appealed to your attention.
Well, in my situation, it was the fact that it had been so long since I had “been to work”, as most people would understand the phrase in the United States. I had not had a full-time position since the 1990s, and since 1997, I had been a contractor.
My 16 years of publishing a cutting-edge online news company that I owned ended shortly after I was diagnosed in 2011. I had lost interest in the business years ago, but it had grown so large that I was able to pay a full-time staff to run it and still make a living. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy job. The early years I was alone doing everything. It was the third year when I hired a part time reporter for a specific beat. From there we branched out into other platforms, such as podcasting, Satellite Radio, streaming video, and video of top prospects and players.
When I turned it all over to my former site staff in September of 2014, the site had collected perhaps $500 in revenue over the 17 years I took it from my bedroom to the Bay Area. Every dollar we made was based on the quality of our content. We were solely subscription based and I believe the website remains so to this day under the new ownership. That said, by 2005 our subscription revenue was enough for me to hire the best people available for three positions. It only continued to grow.
But as is grew and we made more money I had less to do because the challenge was gone and I simply was no longer happy. I had never done this for money or to have a “normal life”, it always starts with I want to do it because it interests me and pretty much everyone would shrug it off as a pipe dream.
I ended up selling the company because I did not care about it any more and today am oddly content just being. I do not really care much about tomorrow or yesterday for that matter. Only right now, not even really the rest of the day.
But it is that corner that the bus left me on that is the problem. For the first time in a very long time I am confused. In fact, I don’t recall ever feeling like this. I have always had a plan, but when all of your present plans end in the same way it suggests a problem in the planning, and I am not used to having to plan. I don’t do “the future”.
Now that sounds strange, and oddly irresponsible, but honest.